Refinement and Thanks

  For me, college has been one of the most self-reflective times.  I have grown SO much since my first day of college.  I have learned a lot about my personality and even more about my faith.  I know that this time next year I will be saying the exact same thing, but that is of the utmost importance.  If you aren't growing, changing, and learning, then what are you doing?
      In a little over a month…I close out my first year of college.  Whoa.  I seriously can't believe that it has gone this fast.  Many of my posts have been about the struggle to find my place at Belmont.  I have shared with you all how I have been feeling and how I have learned the Lord's will for my life through these various situations.  This post is about God's goodness, His faithfulness, His graciousness to give me what I need…
      In the beginning of this semester, I was talking with someone about the deep desire for fruitful, healthy friendships at Belmont.  The desire to have friends that walk through life with me, the good and the bad.  The type of friends that would turn me towards the Lord and not away from him, because first semester was rough in this regard.  She looked at me and said, "How many times do we ask the Lord for things that are good, but then continue to rely on ourselves to find what we are asking for?"
      If you are anything like me, you know what you should do and what the Bible tells you about walking in faith, but you don't necessarily know how to apply it to day-to-day life.  She said this to me and I thought, "Well yeah, that's easy for you to say because you have a group of friends, a husband, and a baby.  You aren't lonely right now."  And that was when it clicked.  That thought clearly revealed that I was relying on myself to provide what I was asking the Lord for.
      Wait what?  Here I was asking the Lord to give me good gifts, friends.  Yet I was not giving over control to Him.  I was not trusting that He would place friends in my life, in His timing.  And that it would be good and fulfilling.  Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."  As I read this verse, I had to ask myself what exactly "delight" meant.  I researched different commentaries and other Bible verses that related to asking the Lord for your needs.  One word that I pulled from delight is refinement.
      That word seems way off from what most would consider delight, but let me explain.  Refinement is part of the faith.  Each and every day I should be asking the Lord to refine me.  To take the ugly things out of my heart, the fleshly desires, and replace them with things that are good.  Things that point me to Jesus and remind me of my place here on earth.
      I can say that the Lord has blessed me this semester with three amazing girls at Belmont that push me to walk in faith and make the right decisions, but still have fun.  I never would have thought that they would be the girls that would walk into my life and bless me in ways that they probably don't even know.  On this side of things, I can see where the Lord refined me.  I was trusting myself to look for friends based on materialistic things…beauty, fashion, what they were studying, what they do on the weekends, where they were from.  I can clearly see where the Lord has wiped that out and changed my heart to look for the good in each of these girls.  And they are beautiful.  Beautiful because they love the Lord and it shines all the way through to the outside.  They all have a joy for life that exudes in everything they do.
      This post is a thank you.  It is a thank you to my Savior.  I think it is important to say thanks to the Lord and document His goodness so that others are challenged, encouraged, and included.  I want y'all to see that if you have felt lonely, broken, or beat-down, there is hope and joy in recognizing your need for healing.  There is no time-frame.  I am still being refined and I am still learning how to check whether my requests and desires are being trusted completely to God.
      Ups and downs.  Highs and lows.  That is life.  But the invaluable lessons learned through it all are so worth the pain and brokenness that leads to joy and contentment.

Do You Want a Sound Heart?

       Contentment.  A daily struggle.  I wake up each morning and walk through my day with blinders on.  I want to look forward.  I am determined to make it through a week of midterms, a day with back-to-back classes, or ten hours at work.  I know when I wake up each morning what I have to do to make it through each day.  But does that really bring me contentment?
       I am slowly learning, but nevertheless learning, that contentment comes with a heart of thankfulness.  I was truly challenged when I started reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  Most of the time I think of thankfulness as the "big things."  However, this couldn't be farther from what the Father intended for us when it comes to having a thankful heart.  For example, here in Tennessee it has been beautiful for the past couple of weeks.  And I am so thankful that I got a glimpse of spring.  I was able to ride around with my windows down and the wind whipping around my hair, as music blares in the background.  Yes, that is something to be thankful for.  
       As I read this book, my view of thankfulness shifted one hundred percent.  And honestly, I was shocked that I had never realized that every single good thing here on earth is a gift from my heavenly Father.  A gift that not only makes me thank Him and invite Him into my day, but a gift that makes me content.  Let me tell you a few of the things on my list that seem so menial and insignificant, but bring me satisfaction and a moment to draw closer to the Lord.
       1. Walking behind the dorms and smelling the air filled with a fresh laundry scent from    the output
       2. Lemon water…seriously it is one of my favorite things to drink
       3. Being smiled at by a random person walking around on campus
       4.  Burning a vanilla cookie candle
       5. Coffee in the morning, piping hot with the perfect amount of creamer
       6. A song on the radio that just makes you want to dance and sing at the top of your     lungs
       7. Holding my newborn cousin
       Try it, y'all.  Write down every moment today that peaks your happiness.  Even if you don't think it is a huge "God moment."  Trust me, it is.  He loves to give us good gifts because they make us thankful.  Read this verse from Proverbs 14:30, "A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones."  
       Think about it.  You can't fill up a bucket of water with something else if it is already full.  You have to dump out the water to fill it up with something else.  Fill up your heart with thankfulness so there isn't any room for envy.  Thankfulness empties you of envy.  
       Here's the challenge.  Write down each moment that makes you satisfied, content.  Write it down because it makes you consciously aware of the many gifts you have been given each day.  It tunes your heart to sing the praises of the King.  It doesn't leave any room for envy.  When those feelings of envy sneak back in, pull out your list of things you are thankful for and trust that the Lord is providing even the littlest of moments each day for you to thank Him.  You just have to look for them.  
     By the way, the sky is really blue today without any clouds in sight.  That can be the first thing you write on your list if you live here in Nashville.  

Held

        The other day I grabbed my old iPod shuffle off of its charger and took it to the car with me to play on my drive to Belmont everyday.  I got this iPod when I was 13 and I don't think I have ever taken any music off of it, I have only added new songs.  As I was driving home after a particularly long and hard day, the song "Held" by Natalie Grant randomly came on shuffle.  I thought to myself, "Oh, I remember this song from middle school."  And as the words started to play, I knew I was about to be reminded of some of the promises that God has given me.  More than that, promises that I need to be holding onto right now.

        The first line that hit me was this, 

        "We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, it's unfair."

        The song then goes on to say this,

        "This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell

we'd be held."

        A couple afternoons ago I was meeting a sweet woman to talk about my decision to go to Belmont, and how I have connected on campus with the ministries at the university.  We were put in touch by a mutual connection and she is trying to start a new ministry on campus.  I sat down with her in the university ministries office on this big, yellow leather couch and I had no idea what was coming, in a good way.  I shared my experience with her on the struggles of transitioning into Belmont and finding friends with common values.  After an hour of talking back and forth with her, she just looked at me and said, "You look and sound weary."  

        Whoa.  I sat there for a second and I took it in.  I'm sure my face registered shock.  That was a bold thing to say. But for some reason, I felt no anger.  I remember myself consciously letting breath out that I was holding in, and relaxing.  Letting her in.  Letting those words sink in.  Not in a "pity me" way, but in a way of letting myself say, "It's ok to be weary, Maddie."  Some sort of validation of what I was feeling, but scared to admit.  It's ok to be weary because that's when believers around me, and more importantly, my Savior, step in and give me the strength to continue on in faith.  

         More often than not, I think God owes me an easy life.  I want a pain-free, easy, just generally good life.  However, that's not His promise to me as one of His followers. BUT, His promise is better.  His promise is that His grace is sufficient enough. 

         Here's the promise, y'all it's so good…

         "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

         There is so much good in those two verses.  Words and phrases that stick out to me are…"my power is made perfect in weakness," "boast all the more gladly,"the power of Christ may rest upon me," and "content."  

        After she told me I seemed weary, she began to speak the truth of the Gospel over me.  And then she asked if she could pray over me.  I thought, "Can you pray over me?  Yes!  Of course."  This woman I have known for 2 hours.  This blessing.  This moment to be held.  To be reminded of the promise that relates back to Natalie Grant's song.  God's promise is that I would be held.  His promise is that I would know strength in Him, even when I feel weak.  

        Friends, if you are weary, rejoice in the promise that you are held.  Stand firm in the promise that His grace is sufficient and rest.  

Strength in Being Loved

I always thought accepting love and compassion was for the weak.  Maybe it’s because I live in a society in which “self” is at the center of attention.  Look at me, look at what I just did, look at the grade I just made, look at this new outfit, look at my friends.  Our society revolves around doing what is good for you, man.  Or maybe I thought love and compassion was for the weak because I am a woman in the 21st century.  I am constantly being told, whether consciously or subconsciously, that I need to be independent.  I don’t need a man.  I need to have a successful career and make my own life.  I live in a society that harps on feminism.  

Don’t get me wrong, I plan on having my own career, my own life, and my own dreams, goals, and aspirations, however I want to learn how to accept love, compassion, and support from others in my life. 

It takes a strong person to recognize that they need to be loved.  Loved by the earthly support system they have been placed in.  And that’s what I want to talk about...

I find myself meeting friends, new friends, family, mentors, and others for coffee, lunch, or ice-cream, and our conversations stay on the surface.  How is school?  How do you like classes?  How is your family?  And while those questions are great, I find myself answering the questions so that others don’t see into my heart.  The answer is always, “I’m good.  Classes are good.  It is good.”  But is it really all good?

I have been placed in an amazing family, I have an amazing church, and my friends are so good, but often times I don’t let them in enough so that they can do life with me.  I’m not talking about just the lows and the struggles of my heart.  I’m talking the amazing things in my life and the ways God is working through my life.  I never take the time to humble myself enough to let my support system in.  Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

So here is what I am doing practically to allow others to help me through life.  Number one, cut the superficial talk.  Let’s get deeper than, “I’m good.”  There is so much to be learned from others when they tell you about their struggles, their strengths, and how they are walking in faith throughout the week.  Number two, ask the Lord to give you the strength to reveal your heart to your support system.  It takes vulnerability to tell others what you are dealing with, whether it’s hard or whether it’s really good.  And lastly, pray for time with your support system to be filled with grace and that the time would be helpful and encouraging.  

Go out this week and share life with one of your friends!  And know that it takes strength to let others love you well.

May the Lord's Purpose Prevail

        Starting a new year.  It's 2014.  And everyone around me is making new year's resolutions.  They post articles about it on Facebook and tweet their resolution with hashtags so that everyone can see.  

I get it.  A new year is a natural break to make some new habits, while letting go of some old.  As I sit here and think on the last year, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I mean really ugly, I can only think of one new year's resolution that I want to make.  One that I want to keep.  Deep down I want to keep it.  

I want to get rid of the false, outward appearance that life is perfect, humming right along.  

As I have just closed out my first semester of college, I have learned one thing.  Life is hard, but oh, so good.  The past six months have been some of the hardest for multiple reasons.  And I believe that part of this stems from the pressure to look perfect, to look like I have a lot of friends, to look like I am living the college life.  I built up this scenario in my head of what college was going to look like.  I think it is only natural to do this.  However, I think it is so unhealthy because when things don't play out the way you imagined, dreamed, or wanted them to, you wonder what's wrong with yourself.  You wonder why everyone else's life looks better than yours.  You wonder why you can't have those amazing friends that such and such has pictures of on Instagram.  You wonder why your friends don't say funny stuff like that one person quoting their friend on Twitter does.  And before I know it, I am wallowing in heart-ache.  I am picking at the little imperfections that I have.  I am angry at God.  I am asking why I can't have what "they" have.  

But, as I am hitting these moments of emotional rock bottom, I am finding sweet comfort in Jesus and His words to me. His promise to pick me up and give me strength for today.

 "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21 

I found this verse while resting in the peace that the Lord's purpose will prevail over mine.  And then I stumbled upon this verse.  I sat there in sheer shock because that is a miracle.  The Lord revealed Himself to me through His sweet words.  I sat there with my mouth opened in disbelief because the Lord came to me.  And with that I have a couple things to ask.  How many times a day does the Lord speak to me and reveal His heart for me without me even noticing?  Stillness is not necessarily sitting down on your bed with a Bible open, waiting for the Lord's booming voice to appear.  Stillness is a state of heart.  It is a state of mind.  It is a state of spirit.  It is kneeling before the Lord with brokenness and pain, and saying You are still Lord of my life.  I find that when I settle my mind and take a deep breath, resting in the assurance of the Lord's grace, I hear His voice.  Sometimes in the quietest and simplest of ways, but always in the most soul-satisfying moments.  

While I know that the Lord covers me in grace and protects me from many evils in this world, I do not believe that this means that I should continue in patterns that are harmful to me.  So here is what I am doing practically to combat attacks from the enemy in day to day life.  

I began to see patterns cropping up in my life when I checked Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all the time.  And I thought to myself, "I'll just delete the Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram app off my phone!"  And then this weird panic set in.  What if I miss something on Facebook?  And I knew I had to delete them because they were becoming a steady source of negativity.  However, baby steps.  I am deleting the Facebook app off of my phone and I am going to limit checking social media to a few times a day.  The constant comparing of myself to others is of the enemy and it is time to recognize that and call the enemy out.  I realized that I don't want to feel like my plans are not working out just because I see someone's pictures on social media, and it looks like their plans are working out.  Of course it looks like their plans are working out, no one puts negatives on social media.  And if someone from the outside looking in saw my life on social media, they would think my plans were working out just fine.  However, the truth is, the Lord's plans are prevailing over mine and I find myself disappointed, when I should be diving into His plans for my life.  Because in those plans are His blessings and in those plans I will find soul satisfaction.  

Instead of feeling defeated, disappointed, unwanted, and stuck, I am actively and purposefully reflecting those feelings off to my Savior, and asking for the Holy Spirit to fill me with thoughts of Him.  And I am repeating Proverbs 19:21 in my head.  And I am learning that changing thought patterns is breaking a habit and replacing it with a new one.  I am thankful for stillness, revelations, the Lord's voice, and His persistence to make me into a new creation.